An Epic Guide to Greece

Greece is a beautiful, amazing place, so it’s no surprise thousands of people travel there every year.  I’ve decided to mix things up a bit with this blog and what follows is a cohesive GUIDE TO GREECE in case you ever decide to make the trip.  I had what can only be called the best vacation ever so I highly recommend following this word-for-word to ensure the best possible experience.

Preparation

Preparing for your trip is one of the most important things you can do.  Do not take it lightly.

-Ask other people going to Greece to send you a copy of their itinerary.  This will save you tedious hours of planning and provide an excellent sacrifice to rip up and throw out when you land in Greece.

-Spend an all-nighter packing your possessions into a single duffel bag before your early morning flight.    This will help set the spontaneous mood for the trip, and you should never be rested.  After all, you’re going on vacation.  Bring a sleeping bag, this comes into play later.

Backpacking

There is no better way to assert your independence than to backpack through a foreign country.

-With your single duffel bag, proceed to go straight from the Athens airport to the Parthenon.  Hiking up mountains with a duffel strapped on your back is the surest way to build character and fully appreciate the view once you get up there. 

-Realize that lugging around all your stuff all day is exhausting and overrated.

Housing

Greece has hostels, but if you’re crafty, you don’t need them.

-Never pay for housing.  Find a friend’s grandma’s cousin who is a former travel agent to host you at her house for a few nights, and to plan the rest of your trip for you.  As an added bonus, get her hotel owner husband to book you two nights in five star hotels… for free.

-If the above proves impossible, save precious Euros by sleeping in your sleeping bag outside on a roof.  Tree cover is especially important so that you can sleep in.  Don’t worry about the cracking noises; the roof won’t cave in.  Just don’t stand up and keep your weight dispersed evenly.

-Take unbelievable views from your room for granted.

Transportation

Driving in Greece is best explained by a Mazda commercial.  Zigzagging roads cutting through mountains, the surreal landscape makes for one of the coolest driving experiences you can ask for.

-Get friend’s grandma’s cousin to work her magic and get you a rent-a-car, even though you have no valid Greek driver’s license.  Make sure the car is stick.  Drive in the most reckless possible way, by passing up slow cars on a two-lane road by driving into incoming traffic.  Don’t worry, it’s how everyone drives in Greece.

-When you get to the postcard town of Meteora, test the limits of your rental vehicle by driving on dirt roads up the side of mountains.  Ignore the steep cliffs at the side of the road. When in doubt, repeat to yourself: “I am invincible.”  Once you get to the top, head over to the monasteries and enjoy a Batman Begins type moment as you cross a shaky bridge and knock at an old steel door that marks the entrance to the monasteries.  “We’ve been waiting for you,” a cloaked figure might say as he peeks through the door welcoming you in.  Optional: spend the rest of your life at said monastery, learning martial arts and training yourself in the art of meditation.

-Don’t pay for public buses, because nobody ever checks your ticket.  The sign threatening a fine of 60x the price of the ticket if you are caught without one is a complete bluff.  Again, when in doubt, repeat the mantra: “I am invincible.”

-Drink on the ferries (see Drink)

-Don’t be discouraged when you see a moped crash into a car and the driver go skidding across the road.  Laugh profusely, pause for a moment to reflect on how desensitized to violence you are, and rent anyway.  Ride without a shirt to maximize showing off how cool you are.  But always wear a helmet (you may be invincible, but driving in between trucks and nearly crashing into dumpsters is enough to scare anyone).  Also, take at least one bad-ass picture with your bike.

-Get pickpocketed on the Metro.  Some people just aren’t meant to carry cameras (sorry Mom and Dad!)

-Optional: Experience a real Greek road rage moment when you unknowingly cut off a red car on the highway.  Allow said car to pass you, with a woman screaming out the window at you.  When you laugh at the situation, make sure not to panic when she throws a water bottle at you and hits the front windshield.  I am invincible.  When the couple repeatedly cuts you off, almost runs you off the road, and gets out of the car at the toll booth and charges towards you armed with a car jack, calmly explain that you didn’t mean to cut them off.  If rational explanation doesn’t diffuse the situation, simply state that you are American and watch as a look of disdain dawns over their faces and they eventually walk away.  Later, marvel at the red paint on the door handle on the driver’s side of the rental car.  Yes, they did get that close.

-Optional: Almost get attacked by a pack of wild dogs when you venture into their territory trying to pee while waiting for a bus.  Don’t back down when they charge at you.  I am invincible.

-Optional: Save a turtle’s life by moving it out of the middle of an abandoned old dirt road that you have no business driving down.  Surely it would have been run over by another car if you didn’t save it.  Celebrate your good karma by backing away from the turtle like a little girl.

Rest Stops

While driving, you will probably get tired of the constant cutting off and near death experiences.  Luckily, Greece has a plethora of interesting rest stops.

-Stop at Thermopylae, home of the famous battle between King Leonidas and 300 Spartans against over 1.7 million Persians.  Realize that you are a coward.

-Follow your nose at the putrid smell of sulfur to a natural hot spring, tucked away a few miles off the highway.  Get in and relax, as you let the hot waterfall pound your back and your head.  Think about what you’d be doing at home and laugh to yourself.

-Notice the abundance of Greek service workers, standing idly by the side of the road with a rake in one hand and a half-hearted attempt at a mound of leaves at their feet.  Greece has 7 public workers for every private worker.  The horribly inefficient government fails to capitalize on the natural beauty and hot springs of the country, instead hiring way too many workers.  Strikes are a natural outcome.

Food

You don’t know Feta cheese until you’ve had it in a Greek salad… in Greece.

-When friend’s grandma’s cousin/travel agent/Wonderwoman isn’t cooking you breakfast, lunch, or dinner, go grocery shopping to save money.  Make sure to buy “Earth Gut” bread, thinking it’s wheat, and be pleasantly surprised when Earth Gut turns out to be pretty much densely packed dirt.

-Steal from the complimentary breakfast at the 5 star hotels by shoving everything into every pocket you have.  Make sure to get caught by the manager at least once, preferably when turning the cereal dispenser at a frantic pace piling Wheaties into a plastic bag.  If questioned, maintain that it is for your friend who is sleeping in.  Feign innocence when it is stated that taking food from the complimentary breakfast is forbidden.

-Go to Passover services at the Athens Chabad.  Spend half an hour trying to find it, only to get there on time because dinner starts thirty minutes late.  Eat lots of matzah; it’s the only time you’ll be able to find it.

Drink

This one’s to you, Dionysus.

-Ouzo.  10 Euro, gigantic, tastes horrible.  Mix with “Freeway’s Orange”.  Don’t forget to gag when the taste is coupled with a nauseating ferry ride.

-Make sure to try “Mythos”, the Greek beer of choice.  Best when served on the rocks.

-Laugh at the locals when they warn you not to drink the tap water.  Drink it anyway.  I am invincible.

Sights

Greece is littered with thousand-year-old ruins.  If you don’t get enough of them in Chicago, try to make time for them on your vacation.

-I don't know what this is but it seemed important.

-Make a non-typical pose in front of the Erechtheum and realize afterwards that you just looks stupid.

-Visit the first theater in the world and put yourself in the mind of the first actors.

-Walk into archaeological sites in Athens without purchasing tickets.  If questioned, feign ignorance of the English language and use whatever other languages you have at your disposal.  “Slicha?  Anee B’Yisrael.  Anee lo mevene Anglit.” “¿Que?  Yo no comprendo.  Lo siento.” “Te-sugar-dream” (thank you in Turkish).  “Ef-kar-eesh-tov” (thank you in Greek). 

-Go to the Oracle of Delphi and the archaeological museum there.  Debate stealing a rock.  Settle for doing the Heisman stance

*People went to the Oracle of Delphi for 2000 years asking for sage advice.  Delphi was believed to be the center of the world, the point where the two eagles Zeus sent in opposite directions across the world met.  The Oracle, originally a young woman who inhaled hallucinogenic fumes from the mountains, would often run off with young men, leaving the oracle seat vacant.  Therefore, the oracle became customarily a woman over 50.  When Alexander the Great traveled to the Oracle of Delphi and asked if he would conquer the world, the oracle gave him a typically vague answer.  Unsatisfied, he grabbed her by the hair and pulled her, until she cried, “Ok ok, you are unbeatable!”  He then threw her to the ground, saying, “I have my answer.”

-Travel to Olympia to see the site of the first Olympic Games.  When the man behind the ticket counter explains that the visiting hours for the site ended over 2 hours ago, walk past him and climb the fence, enjoying the site on your own terms.  Sneak into roped-off areas into the ancient locker rooms and training arenas, getting serious goosebumps, and pose at the spot where the Olympic Flame was originally lighted.  Have a footrace on the old Olympic track.

Ancient locker roomStealth.

-Go to the quaint, tiny island of Egina for Easter.  Attend Mass after drinking heavily, entertaining yourself by burning your friends with candles, and try not to let people know you're Jewish because this is when you killed Jesus.

-Avoid the overhyped, touristy island of Mykonos.  It’s a trap!  Nobody in Greece goes there because it’s ridiculously expensive, and the clubs don’t even open until the summer crowd. 

Miscellaneous activities

-Play football outside next to WWII fighter jets

-Run up the tallest mountain in Athens and have the best meal of your life at the top, with the Parthenon and modern Olympic stadium juxtaposed in the background

-Take pictures in museums posing as the statues, and only pretend to delete them when security guards demand that you show some respect.

-Pass time during Metro rides arguing who would win in a fight, a silverback gorilla or a mountain lion

One-Word Summary of the trip

Baller.

There's a bunch of funny videos that still need to be uploaded, and another huge batch of pictures, so I'll add them to this when they're up.  

***

I have one more trip (hopefully) lined up: a weekend trip to Petra, Cairo, and scuba diving in Eilat.   Two world wonders in four days.  Let’s go.

Daniel